Thank You Manners

Saying thank you is more than good manners. It is good spirituality. —William Painter

Where it ALL Began

 

          I think as far back as I can remember I've always been a chubby pinch-able huggable little girl with red hair and freckles.  I have to admit I've not really been much disturbed by my weight.  I do recall a few times in school mostly in physical education realizing that my weight wasn't normal but it wasn't enough to really "disturb" me, I suppose I knew there were mean people but because I was comfortable with myself weight wise it didn't bother me much.  I do not even remember ever weighting myself or knowing by a good guess how much I weighted prior to age 23 or so.  I know at that time I maintained at about 250lbs and was pretty healthy considering my counterparts.  I could run around lift move well and not have any alter effects and I was happy and comfortable.  I do know from 19 to 26 I didn't eat much and if I did eat I had the ability to work it off because I was very active at work.  

          When I got pregnant for my son in 1999 at 26 I immediately put on weight and at term I weighted 283, I had gained 30lbs.  I remember seeing my paperwork from my prenatal care and on it the doctor had marked that I was grossly obese and that hurt my feelings more than anything else I had experienced in my life in regards to my weight.  I thought wow I don't think I'm gross or so obese that I gross other people out.  I now know that it's a common term that is used in the medical field but at the time I did not.  

          From there I continued to gain weight due to multiple stimulants from my environment.  I know that I use food to coddle myself and frankly I love good food.  I like the way I feel when I eat good food and I love cooking good food for others and how they feel eating my food.  It's almost like a temporary euphoria because they love the food so much and I continue to cook and eat with them.  

         What makes it all the more difficult is that I am aware of my issues and I've accepted them and I try not to give them much thought and ignore them because I do not want to deal with the reality of the issue.  

         Which takes me to the present you can only ignore a problem so long before it gets out of hand.  As far back as Thanksgiving of 2010 I can track my body starting to become sickly.  I’ve also reached my all time weight of about 350lbs.

          I had about two or three years prior been diagnosed with sleep apnea and didn't give the lack of energy or sleepiness much thought I figured it was from the lack of doing anything about the apnea.  Then I started to have horrific headaches, which I excused by saying that I was having dental issues and started taking four to eight Motrin or Tylenol a day.  Which for my body is like overdosing because I rarely take any medications I have to be severely sick or hurting to take anything, I have a very low tolerance for medicine and I don't like the side effects or how I feel when I take anything even Motrin.  

         Then I started to get nauseated and had severe pain when I ate so bad at times that I opted not to eat or ate very little.   During that period I pretty much only drank water occasionally a soda and maybe some light food.  On came the vomiting and not just everyday vomiting but violent vomiting, diarrhea and bloodily stools.  I had severe cramping and pain in on my left side.  During that period of time we went to the ER and I was treated for dehydration I complained about the migraine and they gave me something they said would help I remember it made the pain in my side so much worse that I just wanted to cry after falling asleep whilst getting fluids I woke up with a much worse headache complained and the lady said she was giving me something common in the ER for migraines and that I would feel better shortly.  Quite contrary I felt like I wanted to run and pull all the wires and needles off of me I was in severe pain, annoyed and it made my headache worse I was so sick I just wanted to puke.  I knew that when she came back I had to ask to go home because if they gave me one more “strange” drug I would have a breakdown. 

          I believe she gave me some antibiotics and completely ignored the extreme cramping, pain and bloody stools I complained of on my left side.  They discharged me stating I have a common stomach virus and would be better in a few days.  I spent about a week in bed with minimal intake and sleeping most of the time.  The pain was so bad I couldn’t stand myself or anyone else around me.  It was horrible because no one cared. 

          During that time I had very little solids and it gave me an opportunity to realize that it was something I was consuming that was making me sick I just couldn’t figure out what.  We not long after determined that it was caffeine that was creating the pain in my side to worsen so I slowly started to remove it from my diet and finally altogether.  At this point I no longer want it sometimes I crave soda but it taste so nasty to me and makes me hurt so bad I’d rather not have any.  During that time anything that I ate that caused me pain I stopped eating. 

            It’s been about a year during that time I’ve seen countless doctors and no one seems to have any reasonable resolutions for me or even suggestions on how to get better.  They’ve told me I have diverticulosis and when I asked about it they told me to google it because it was not relevant to my issues and moved on.  They’ve tried to give me countless types of medicines most narcotics to resolve the issue that wasn’t even the issue in most cases and I’ve refused to take any of it.  One of the doctors I saw stated that it wasn’t an internal issue I was having pain that indicated that I had some spinal issues.  He advised me to take his Oxycontin for six months and if the pain still exists to see him again.  I refused his diagnosis and his narcotics.  During the last year I’ve also had to see a chiropractor due to an accident and he clarified that I have no spinal issues or anything to do with my bones.  I’ve had one doctor whom couldn’t explain or determine why I have migraines and severe cramping state that I had acid reflux and I don’t even have a reflux issue or heart burn unless I eat something ridiculous but it’s no more than the next guy’s problem its not chronic.  The last “professional” person I’ve seen instead of saying that he could not explain my pain after abusing my belly area with his hand and fingers said that I had a rib cage issue. 

            I don’t know how much more clearer I have to be I am aware that the pain that I have is internal that it’s something to do with my organs, intestines, or something.  The pain is clearly internal and it get’s better or extreme usually based on the food and drinks I consume. 

            During the last twelve months or so I’ve gone through extreme bouts of depression anxiety pain and discouragement.  I’ve had to hear over and over people I entrust with my health tell me almost directly that they do not care what my problem is they’d rather just over medicate me or get me addicted to narcotics that to find the real issue.  It’s hard to hear them say time and time again I’m sorry there is nothing I can do for you. 

            Not only the rejection from them but also rejection of food has become a huge issue in my life.  I used to love food good food and now my body physically rejects food.  Because my body is rejecting the food physically with pain or sickness it’s sending a negative reaction to my brain as well.  You might ask how that is relative well basically I’m finding myself everyday knowing or acknowledging that I do not want certain foods that I used to love.  This makes me very sad and depressed almost. 

            I have since come to realize that my body is screaming for help and if I don’t do something on my own then it’ll be too late.  I’ve slowly started removing things that cause me pain when I eat and looking over the list of the things that I cannot eat it really isn’t that bad that I cannot have those items most of them aren’t good for me anyway. I’ve already started to change the way I eat and experience food so the next great thing around the corner is surely on its way? Maybe it’s TODAY!