Today is one of the worst day’s I’ve had in months.
I was born and raised as a Catholic Cajun and I remember when I was young our family tradition was to have pizza every Friday. We did it so often as children we had grown to expect it. However, come February we knew that it was that time again; lent. It was a family agreement that during lent we gave it up completely so then we would have meatless Friday’s. I still hold true to meatless Fridays during lent my parents in fact have meatless Wednesdays and Fridays.
In age I had come to think that Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras as we celebrate was the day before six whole weeks of restrictions. Why is this important at this point? Well we just started lent.
However, the most important part of this is the lesson it’s taught me. I’ve learned that before I am to restrict myself I have to get every little thing in so that I may not miss it so much when it’s gone. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s another huge part of my initial denial and food battle.
With that being said for about six months I had already started weaning myself off of fast food because it’s just not appealing to me mentally anymore so I don’t eat it as often. Now there are times when I find that I am in a pinch and have no choice but I try to make better choices. Not all the time does this work sometimes I just say I don’t care and eat a burger.
This is all part of me learning how my mind body and soul are one. It’s a struggle! Honesty hurts! Not only have I decreased fast food significantly I’ve also decreased my meat intake significantly and almost down to maybe a pound a week since my juicing fast.
This was a good time for me to stop ignoring the truth. But of course I’m stubborn I am infatuated with all the wrong things it seems.
About a week ago was my son’s birthday and holding to my own tradition of making birthday dinners by request of those I love I made his favorite barbeque. Lots and lot’s of barbeque enough to feed a family of four for about a month.
So, I had convinced myself like Mardi Gras this was going to be our last hoorah before we go hard and I had to eat all the meat I could stand before I let it go so I wouldn’t miss it when I have to leave it behind.
MISTAKE!! For about a week I’ve eaten meat meat meat meat.
Now let me explain what I already knew my body was capable of if I did something so barbaric. I have not been officially diagnosed with anything we use combined research, results, and some doctor input to try to figure out what my problem is. I know that is a dam shame but it’s the truth. I have become my own genuine pig so to say. Here’s what happens I eat meat and it gets compacted in my intestines and colon I can feel it putting huge amounts of pressure on my entire tummy area. Then it seems to work harder at trying to dispose of the compacted waste and causes even more pain from the contracting or (IBS) sensations that push into the holes in my intestines or diverticulosis areas this then will produce random stabbing sensations. It’s so compacted and basically stuck that I can feel it moving and it’s the craziest feeling it reminds me of when I was pregnant. This is where it really goes bad as if the stabbing pain, moving belly, and constipation weren’t enough I get a unbelievable headache/migraine and I am so sleepy. I don’t want anything to do with anyone or anything all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep.
By my own accounts of the spikes in issue’s I see how it all relates now it’s like a huge puzzle I’ve started to piece together.
I absolutely without a doubt know how to solve the puzzle and put myself back together but I’m weak in this moment.
The pain is so severe and the sickly feelings then make me depressed.
VICIOUS CYCLE…you see how real this is in this very moment I am so sick I cannot stand myself and why?
Because I had that one last hoorah! …NO party is fun if you spend the next day nursing a hangover!
I have used and I’ve heard reference to “I am only human” it’s meaning meant to insinuate that we are capable of mistakes.
Though I realize there is no one perfect and I get the reference but for the sake of this being just about ME at the moment from this point on I am going to refer to only myself as being imperfect.
This is part of my insecurities, self-doubt, and lack of honesty with myself. Learning not to compare myself to others is important in my journey to healthiness no one person has the exact same blue print or plan so we should not compare ourselves to anything.
I AM ONLY TAHNYA…. I was designed to make mistakes they are part of my life’s lesson in teaching me to be a better person.
Today I can admit my last hoorah is a huge failure on my part in becoming a healthier person. I have lots of negative outside issues and influence right now and the physical me is definitely suffering.
I have to do something about ME. I have to stop wallowing in self-pity, hoorah’s, denial, and anything else that is holding me back and move forward.
I clearly have the ability to fight the good fight I cannot let a mistake take away from me all I’ve gained.
When I am feeling well I often tell my family that I cannot let all the pain be in vain!
In my complete dizzy of emotions today I know there is a way I have seen it and can get back there if I just focus. To give myself some credit I have just about completed our menu planning for the week it was harder than I had expected in light of trying to go partial Vegetarian. I will print our grocery list and go shopping. We’ve been preparing for this moment for some months now.
We started first by removing all “unclean” foods from our home we donated and threw away anything that was old or unusable. We then removed everything from our freezers and cleaned the fridge as well. I read somewhere that it is important to remove temptation if it’s not there then you won’t be so inclined to want some.
HAHA! Temptation is horrifically evil.
I’ll save my temptation story for some other day. I’m off to shop!
I love to shop and I’ll use my pain to fuel me in getting it all done so I can finally relax with a great big salad and a delicious ice-cold fresh-juiced juice!